What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 03:07
When she asked me how she looked .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I couldn’t, believe it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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My family never makes their pension either.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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Put me off passion for life!!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I said to her
What are your darkest taboo confessions?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
How do I cope with the fact that I will never have a girlfriend?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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I was seconnd youngest,
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Ive learnt so much.
I was scared of men, in general
She loved him until the end.
What is your worst experience in life?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Would this be the day?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She found it foreign!.
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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
It was going to be , some day.
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And i lived it daily.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I will be 64.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Especially a lifetime of it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
All the time i was locked up.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She married twice! .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One cannot live in the past .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He knew the spot.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We were not on the streets..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
So whats the point in blame.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But, we were locked up after school.
She was in good health!
Im still living with it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
What did i know ?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But it wasn’t much.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was 9 years of age.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Who then, do I blame.?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We all went to grammer schools
I could never make a relationship work though!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was very sick at this time too.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I don,t even have a pension.
This is soul school!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I waited trembling.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Comes on , in middle age.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I write beautiful poetry .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
(And it was in our own minds.)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My life is so biszare .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Was to survive, this bastard.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I never cut or harmed myself..
She wouldn,t have been !
I think the readers, may guess!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
So, i spoilt her more .
I have no regrets .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.